Let’s Talk About Death: A Guide to Planning Ahead
By, Emma Pautler
No really. No matter how old you are, it’s never too early to think about what you want to happen when you die. If you want to keep the “fun” in your funeral, you need a healthcare directive.
We recently dropped in on a conversation with our friends at Delaware Hospice. We were joined by Jennifer Saienni, the Marketing Communications Coordinator at Delaware Hospice, Sara Chandler, a Licensed Funeral Director and the Community Partnership Manager at Delaware Hospice and Nicole Fullmer, the Executive Director of Honoring Choices Delaware. Honoring Choices Delaware is a nonprofit started by Delaware Hospice that focuses on helping people make informed decisions about end-of-life care.
April 16th is National Healthcare Directive Day. Why that date? You may have heard the old adage from Ben Franklin, “There are only two certain things in life, death and taxes.” April 16, is the day after tax day, so it seemed appropriate!
You may have never thought about your own funeral, or what treatment options you would prefer if the worst were to happen to you. It’s literally a morbid thought. We understand. Yet these details are more important than you think. Not just for your sake, but for your family's well being after you’re gone.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself to prepare for the inevitable. You can watch our interview with Delaware Hospice, or read the recap below.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WEAR TO YOUR OWN FUNERAL?
Imagine if you were buried in Dallas Cowboy’s Blue, and you’re a die hard Eagles fan. Not acceptable! You can actually designate what outfit you want to be buried in, or what colors you DON’T want to be buried in at your funeral. These are the types of details you can include in your “Advanced Healthcare Directive.”
The Advanced Healthcare Directive (AHD) is also known as a “Living Will.” It is a legal document that states your wishes regarding end of life medical care, including types of treatment you do and do not want when you no longer able to make decisions for yourself. It also covers funeral arrangements.
It is a legal document that can be modified at any time. Once you write one, it’s important to review it every so often. Honoring Choices Delaware has a tip for this, it’s called the “4 D’s.” Update your AHD every Decade, after Divorce, when you’re headed to a Destination, or have just received a new Diagnosis. At least take a look at it every 10 years, or after major life changes such as getting married, moving, or having kids.
WHO DO YOU TRUST TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR WISHES?
In your AHD, you can designate a person to carry out your wishes when you are no longer able to. In legal terms, this person is called a “healthcare agent” or “proxy.”
Anyone over the age of 18 can be designated. It is recommended that you select 1-2 people who are close family or friends.
HOW CAN I TALK TO MY LOVED ONES ABOUT THIS?
The first step is to have a conversation with your loved ones. This is the hardest part, but it will be worth it.
“Most families don't talk about death at all. Oftentimes, this conversation can bring people closer together,” says Nicole Fullmer. “Talking with your loved ones about this is the most important first step. It will be worth it.”
Sometimes, the easiest way to bring up the subject is to talk about close friends and family members who have passed away. For example, you could say, “Remember when Aunt Judy passed away? It made me think about what I would want.” This can be an icebreaker so you can have a real discussion about your preferences.
If that feels too uncomfortable, consider ordering and playing the Death Deck, a card game designed to help you talk about it. This won’t be your average family game night.
After you begin the conversation, make sure you cover what kind of treatments you would like, and where you’d like to be treated. For example, do you want to be resuscitated? Do you want IV fluids? Is there a specific facility you want to be treated at, or would you prefer treatment at home?
It’s also important to talk about your beliefs (spiritual and cultural) as these may influence your decisions.
WHERE CAN YOU GET STARTED?
There are forms online at DelawareHospice.org/planning-ahead where you can download and complete your AHD. It will only take a few minutes to complete, since most of the questions are fill-in-the-blank or checkboxes.
Once your forms are completed, they will need to be signed by two witnesses. In the State of Delaware, these forms do not need to be notarized.
After your AHD has been completed and signed, make sure you give a copy to your proxy, as well as your physician and/or specialist. If you have adult children, it may be helpful to give each of them a copy.
“This is a gift to your family that will help alleviate their stress in a time of crisis,” says Sara Chandler. As a licensed funeral director, Sara has seen first hand how proper AHD paperwork can help make the funeral planning process less painful for loved ones.
THIS IS FOR REAL
Our friends at Delaware Hospice are serious about advanced healthcare planning. They’ve seen how it can help people in some of the most heartbreaking moments of their lives.
This planning is not just for the sick or elderly. Anyone over the age of 18 should start the conversation and begin filling out paperwork. It's always too soon until it’s too late.
You will help your loved ones by making these decisions in advance and by completing the proper legal documents.